Back to basics

Here I go again....
Can't believe how long it is since I've blogged and how much I've missed it!
So much water under my bridge.....
So much weight on....
So many tears shed 😢..

I'm starting again at Slimming World and I've put on a great deal of weight since I last wrote nearly 30 months ago and you'll be relieved to know I'm not going to go through it all blow by blow!

Starting again means just that and at some point I'll be brave enough to put my actual weight and measurements but for now I'm not feeling that brave.
For the first time in a long time my sister and I have shared our weight with each other - quite a scarey moment I can tell you. We've also agreed to encourage each other to go to group each week and not to give up as soon as 'something bad' happens! This is really important and I've realised that having someone close who understands is a blessing not an excuse for giving up at the slightest obstacle - and there are lots of those on the way!

At last I'm trying to lose weight for me again - rather than Andrew or my lovely sons or because it's a good idea - even though these are valid reasons. Ultimately I've seen at very close quarter over the last two years the damage that being overweight over a long period time can do and I need to make every effort to change things NOW!

So the journey starts again - I have time as although I'm looking for new roles I'm not currently working. I'm going to concentrate on me for a change!

I'll let you know how it goes...

Week 3 - it's been ten days since my last confession..........

And oh dear I've definitely had a touch of 'third week syndrome!'

First though I'll share the good news - I lost another 3lbs which takes me under 19st thank goodness :-)
I was really pleased as I'd tried really hard & that included a trip up the M1 to collect Dom from uni - always an opportunity to eat badly - as well as a meal out for Fathers Day.
It was really lovely to have Dom home for a few days (yes he's gone again but more of that later) and he definitely added to my exercise levels - if you count multiple loads of washing to be hung up all over the house as the weather is so awful, as exercise.

Unfortunately at the same time we had a really difficult weekend with dad who was very disorientated due to two ward moves in two days & extremely bad-tempered as we couldn't make him understand why he couldn't come home. It was awful but on Monday he was much better mentally & we got the news that he was to be transferred to rehab (cue Amy Whitehouse song).
We were all worried about how a move to a completely different environment would affect him but on the whole it has been an improvement. He'd been in hospital for ten weeks and really become institutionalised - unavoidable as he was so ill - but at last he is in an environment where he has to get dressed in the day time, he's encouraged to sit out of bed as much as possible (& he is!!), and eat meals upright and out of bed :-)
I'm not saying a miracle has occurred and he's fully mobile and ready to come home but he's definitely making slow improvement :-)

So on the whole you'd think I'd be happy - dad's improving, Dom's home and I'm losing weight & I am so why, she says asking one of life's great imponderables, did I go bonkers on Thursday???? When I say bonkers I mean it...started off ok with Weetabix and banana with a black coffee, stopped on way to work for petrol and bought a large bar of CDM plus three M&S walnut whips (with the fruit & salad for lunch). I didn't actually eat the chocolate until I was driving to the hospital in the evening but I did eat three pieces of fudge & three choc chip cookies during the day :(
I got home really late from the hospital and then cooked six sausages & some rice (no veggies) - I had 3 sausages on my plate but suffice to say I didn't have leftovers to put in the fridge. To say I felt sick & disgusted with myself by the time I went to bed would be an understatement.

There are many possibilities as to why this happened:

1. Dom left for Israel at 4:45am - yes AM!!!! & I woke up to keep him company before his friend's mum came to collect him so by the time I left for work it was already 'lunchtime'!
2. I'm knackered anyway due to the stress of the daily commute to Ilford.
3. I have no self control.
4. I'm a comfort eater & these things happen..
5. All of the above.
6. None of the above.

Sometimes I think I'll never kick my 'overweightness' but I write this blog to try to identify patterns of behaviour that I can go over when I'm approaching problem times - I also write it to share with everyone else who does this because it's a lonely feeling and self-perpetuating.

I DON'T WANT SYMPATHY BECAUSE ULTIMATELY I PUT THE FOOD IN MY MOUTH - NO ONE FORCES ME TO BINGE but I'm happy for camaraderie and together we will beat this thing :-)

And the good news is that Thursday turned into Friday and it was over - I'm pretty certain I've caused damage to my progress but I've been eating normally again since then.
In fact just had a very nice brunch (won't get time for lunch today) of warm galettes with smoked salmon & celery, & a cup of Rooibos tea.

Hope you are all well & having a fab weekend - despite the grotty weather.
Lxx

Week 2; the story so far.....

Well it's 9:30pm Thursday evening and I've just had dinner, which tells you that I've had a frantic week, very disorganised but no major problems on any front!! I think it's been many weeks since I've been able to say that and actually although, for some unknown reason I've slept very badly this week, I feel much calmer than for a while.

On the SW front it's been a good week - I lost 4.5lbs & my BMI has dropped to 35.2 - amazing for just one week. It has a great effect on my mood and I feel in control of things for the first time in a while. I'm not really someone that does meal planning in a big way but I do ensure I've got the right things in the house.
For instance tonight we had grilled minted lamb chops (I count 4 syns because the 'minted' part was done at the butcher), with artichoke hearts and Israeli Toasted Couscous (Osem 1 syn per portion - but I count 1.5 syns because I almost certainly had more than one portion!!).

I'm drinking loads of squash/fizzy sf flavoured water/black coffee throughout the day which is stopping me from noshing but is also playing havoc with my bladder :-)
I'm also taking fruit to work everyday for when I feel peckish.

Yesterday I had a light-bulb moment too - I was at a conference & as usual despite the fact that it was a conference for pharmacists the food choices were far from healthy (or they contained shellfish which I don't eat!). The hors d'oeuvre was a tiny portion of tomato & mozzarella salad, veggie main course choice was a goats cheese tart - I had a small piece with loads of vegetables and the non-mayonnaisy salads. Dessert was either raspberry panacotta or crème brulee - both delicious but a no no - and not a piece of fruit in site :-( I went back to my table empty handed, moaned a bit about the absence of fresh fruit & then decided to get a grip & ask for some!! I was brought a huge bowl of fresh fruit & started a trend as the other closet dieters also asked for fruit.
Result was I had dessert, didn't feel hard done by & didn't dive into any cake at afternoon coffee.
How was the conference - dreary but that's ok some things you just have to attend

I also invested in a new coffee machine - we'd had the old one for a while & it suddenly decided that every coffee would be an expresso!!

Anyway here is my new one and the coffee is fab :-)

On the family front

• Dad is doing ok - he's was moved to an 'open ward' because he no longer is infected which is good news. We thought it might lead to problems but it didn't which is excellent although they are moving him again tonight back to the surgical ward he started in - hospitals.........
• Toby will take his last GCSE tomorrow - maths & guess what he told me he's lost his calculator - and I wonder why I get stressed and binge :-)
• and Dom is coming home tomorrow - 'BIG SMILES'!! Can't believe his first year at uni is over - he's had a great time but I'm really looking forward to having home for six days as this time next week he'll be in Israel for a six week holiday - oh to be a student!!!

I think that's all from me - just to say thanks for reading my ramblings. It makes me feel less like I'm talking to myself xxx

Week one is almost done!!

Morning all

Not sure what happened to the brilliant sunshine & heat that was forecast for today but at least it means you get to hear from me pre-hospital visit rather than post - in a fairly upbeat mood rather than depressed at leaving dad in hospital for yet another day.

I know he's not well enough even for rehab yet, and most visits he can be a royal pain but he's still my dad and I HATE leaving him on his own.
This feeling has, over the past nine weeks, led me to consume large quantities of chocolate and other miscellaneous c**p at speed on the way home from the hospital. I always binge at speed - probably to 'cover my tracks' and then I can pretend it hasn't happened - but it has as the scales never lie.
I'm not going to tell you that this hasn't happened this week - I'm trying but some days just need it.......

I probably had two 'binge-fests' this week on the way home - not helped by the fact I pass a BP garage with M&S Food forecourt everyday on the way home!! I intend to drive past especially when I don't actually need petrol but somehow the voice in my head saying 'this way to all sorts of yummy things' wins out. Yesterday I had a breakthrough as although the voice was there I bought some cooked salmon and mange slices - still yummy but free-food not millions of Syns.

Over the week I haven't been too bad although I wouldn't like to say perfect. It took me until Friday to have time to do a proper supermarket shop so had some slightly odd meals.
Andrew BBQ'd twice and that was excellent as it was steak & burgers with a big mixed salad - he needs to lose a few pounds so is existing on protein and veg just now - not terribly healthy but then he won't be doing it for long.

However since Friday things have been better & yesterday I had an exemplary day :-) which included my favourite weekend breakfast

Spring onion omelette (3 eggs) with smoked salmon, tomatoes & celery, followed by a Irish berry yoghurt. I've also re-discovered Redbush/Rooibos tea - really refreshing alternative to coffee.

Anyway that's all for now.
I'll check in tomorrow after weigh-in to let you know how I got on.
Have a good day

Lisa xx

First weigh-in - oh my word!!

Evening all

So I did it............
I went back to SW this morning and weighed in.
It was truly awful - I felt like a great big fat failure all 19st 5lbs of me :-(
My BMI is up to 35.8 and I'm the heaviest I've been for many years.
In my more sensible moments I knew this but it still is shocking to see it written down on paper and I sure hope it will give me the incentive to buckle down and lose these useless fat cells.

My first target is to lose 10% of my body weight to take me down to 17st 6.5lbs - so just under 2st to lose - & then I'll give myself a new target but that's a big enough challenge for now.

I felt really miserable this morning but I have to say that I felt such a warm welcome this morning that it does help & it will encourage me to go back next week :-)

I've been good today - not one morsel of chocolate has passed my lips. I had fruit during the day & tonight I've had turkey with a jacket potato & broccoli followed by some cherries that I'm noshing whilst I type.
Lot's of water, sf squash & black coffee during the day too.

Tonight I'm going to read through my SW literature and try to go into 'I've never done it before' mode to give myself the best possible start to the week.
It will be hard because the stresses aren't going away soon but if I take food to work this week instead of buying sandwiches and cake/chocolate from the food vans that stop outside the office - it's got to be better for me hasn't it????

I didn't have time to shop today so I'll have to try & do that tomorrow or do an internet shop so I have the 'right' foods in the house so that any 'crises' that will inevitably materialise this week don't turn into excuses for a 'crap binge' - or if they do the available 'crap' will be limited.

Anyway, I have an empty house now so I'm going to catch up on 'Chicago Fire' - just love a fireman drama!!

Night all
Lxx

New Start.............

Hi there old friend

Yes I'm back.
Back to my old habits (not good ones!) & back to being very overweight - in fact so overweight I'd really call it FAT - not my favourite word but no doubt an honest description.
However, my sister & I have made a pact to return to Slimming World next week - so for me that's tomorrow morning & for her Thursday morning.
Why are you putting yourself through this again Lisa? Well this is why....

Last weekend we had a family/friend barmitzvah - weather was fab it was a lovely weekend & uncharacteristically both boys agreed to photos with mum - clearly I'm twice the width of both of them! These photos make me want to smile & cry in equal measure.
Then there were two photos taken the previous evening with my sister at our cousin's 50th (they are on FB!) - far too much chin for one girl and lots of flesh being squeezed into a very nice dress - it'll look better with less flesh!

So tomorrow morning I will pack up all my truly fabulous excuses & head back to SW in Borehamwood.
It won't be easy as two of the excuses are on-going:

• Firstly I'm having a very unsettled time at work - very good excuse for eating my body weight in chocolate - that is not going to end swiftly I fear.
• Secondly, and much more 'on-going' is that my dad is in hospital & will have been there for TWO MONTHS tomorrow :( Poor dad he's had a truly terrible time but I do believe we are coming out the other side but all progress is slow. Dad is miserable at being there for all this time (& who wouldn't be?), and due to poor short term memory (he had a stroke several years ago) often doesn't remember what's happened that day or over the last few weeks. Awful for him and us. The constant hospital visiting has lead to irregular meal times & REALLY GOOD EXCUSES TO OVER EAT.

So that's it for today and tomorrow I'll post the grim details - be under no misapprehension they'll be grim!!

Enjoy the sunshine
Lisa xx

Message from Venice :-)

Hi all

Having spent all day at the pool I thought I'd do a quick blog from my lovely hotel in Venice. Not willing to send full photo of me by pool but you'll recognise my toenails in the photo!!

The weather is very very lovely - clear blue skies and lots of sunshine. In truth it's not really sight-seeing weather but we've done quite a lot visiting St Marks square, the Jewish qtr, Murano & Burano (Venetian islands renowned for glass & lace respectively - you can imagine what a fabulous time the boys had there!!). Last night we did a trip to here The Barber of Seville performed in a beautiful Venetian house overlooking the canal - opera isn't really my thing but it was a lovely evening & the complimentary Prosecco was lovely too :-)

And then there's the food.........
Hotel breakfast is a lovely buffet with lots of fresh fruit (watermelon, ogen melon, plums, peaches etc), scrambled eggs, grilled toms, ff yoghurt &, before you think this blog is being written by a hacker!, fabulous croissants, cheeses & cakes. Have to say that cake (yes cake - jam tart, donuts, sable biscuits, almond cake etc) is an acquired taste & not one I'm indulging but it does all look very inviting :-)

Lunches have been various salads - our lunches have been small because of the heat & the big breakfast.

Dinners have varied but have been lovely with lots of fresh fish, veggies, pasta etc - and actually I had dessert only once a fabulous tiramisu (when in Venice....)

I'm not a huge ice cream eater so haven't had even one yet although the boys have and I have been tempted but actually not enough to have one :-)

Tomorrow is our last full day in Venice & then we join the cruise on Saturday - will let you know how I get on.

Love to all
Lxx